In these days of man-buns, artisanal vaping and gender confusion in public toilets, it’s somewhat comforting to see the current proliferation of photo shoots featuring sexy ladies working on machines. Now, if you’re reading this blog I’m fairly comfortable in assuming that you rate motorcycles, cars, tools and titties pretty fucking high on the scale of things that actually matter in the universe. TITTIES! Can I get a FUCK YEAH? See, there ya go then.
You probably also have a garage. And you may well buy tools the way women buy shoes. I mean, I have no fucking idea when I’m ever going to need that vibration tachometer I keep in the shop bench drawer, but when I do that baby’s gonna be ready.
Now given all of these basic male instincts, the popularity of pictures of sexy women in various stages of undress messing about with tools in a well equipped workshop is a bit of a no-brainer. Their attractiveness is on a par with bacon wrapped cheeseburgers and beer.
But what happens when some man-bun equipped vanilla spice vaping photographer finds him/her self and his/her equipment in a big manly garage with a hot sweaty breasted model and suddenly realizes that his/her liberal arts degree taught him/her absofuckinglutely NOTHING about how to turn a wrench?
I got yer back. I hereby present 4 top tips that are guaranteed to turn your grungy workshop photo session into an instant viral internet hit.
Tip #1: Find a B.F.W.
That’s right, a Big Fucking Wrench. Almost every garage has one, although they probably got it as a joke or Larry thought maybe they could hang the sign off it outside, or maybe the odd drilling rig overhaul job shows up and they actually turn a nut with it. You may not be able to find it easily because they don’t use it. Ever. So they stuck it in the corner after they got tired of tripping over the bastard.
But seriously, most things in cars are held together with those little threaded bits and mechanics use wrenches a lot to turn those bits, so you just fucking know it’s important kit. And if those little scrawny 10mm spanners are important- bigger is ALWAYS better. For lighthearted fun, the model can really pose anywhere around the car/bike/pile of used tires that now function as a home for that rabid sewer rat, but if you want to make her look like a serious working girl, tell her to concentrate and hold the big ol’ muthafucker next to a carburetor.
Note: If a Big Fucking Wrench actually isn’t available, ask for a Big Fucking Hammer.
Tip #2: KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Precise adjustment of the propane setting on your MIG welder is essential.
The “flame” setting on standard paint guns is useful for special effects.
Damn straight. If there’s one thing that separates the grease monkeys from the seasoned veterans in the hierarchy of the garage, it’s fire. Whether they’re using it like glue to stick metal together, lighting Burger King farts for the noob or, as in most of these examples, incinerating half a cigarette in one go; fire is a very, very technical and important thing in a workshop.
Unfortunately, it’s dangerous stuff and you probably won’t get to play with it. But who gives a shit, we’ve got photoshop, right? And as you’ll soon realize, the wonders of digital photo editing will let you turn almost anything into a serious flame throwing piece of hardware.
Just a few pointers: air tools usually don’t make fire. If you actually see an air tool making fire during your photo shoot, it’s a good time to leave the building. Carry the expensive stuff with you just in case.
Tip #3: Sparky Things!
Like fire, sparks are really, really dynamic and makes it look like your model SERIOUSLY knows her shit. Plus, just like fire, you can do it all with Photoshop so you don’t have to worry about Bambi loosing a fingernail or accidentally grinding off her left nipple.
It’s a good idea to make sure the sparky thing (a.k.a. “grinder”) is unplugged, just in case.
And you know, just fuck OSHA approved safety gear.
Tip #4 Mystery Tools
Lets face it, most shops are going to have a wide variety of tools that you’ve never seen before, and you have no fucking idea what they do. They still look seriously cool though.
Don’t sweat it.
Almost everything in a mechanic’s shop performs one of four simple functions;
- it turns shit
- it cuts shit
- it smashes shit
- it burns shit
Now think about it: pretty much everything around you can be turned, cut, smashed or burned. Hell, I know people who can turn, smash and burn any fucking thing they can get their hands on if you give them enough Tequila and they don’t even use tools. No, they can’t cut shit because we keep them away from sharp objects. That’s how we’ve managed to live long enough to provide you with entertaining and insightful posts like this. You’re welcome.
So just go for it. Shove that thing in there and look like you know what you’re doing. Just one thing: DO NOT EVER PULL THE TRIGGER OR PUSH THE BUTTON. If Bambi dies on your photoshoot your insurance company will have your ass for breakfast. Assuming there’s any of it left after Bob the mechanic shoves the 36″ spud wrench up there.
